She Could Never Be Loved Again by the Man That She Loved
Some people come into therapy with a secret. Sometimes they bring it up themselves, and sometimes it comes out later in therapy. The secret is that they have never felt truly "in love" with their spouse. In our culture, romantic love is given a high priority, and is generally considered the primary reason for marriage. For many couples, when their marriage experiences lows, empathic ruptures, or phases of boredom or "monotogamy," they can look back at the initial honeymoon phase of feeling in love with their partner, and reassure themselves that they made the right choice. Feeling in love with your partner makes many people feel like they finally understand a basic human experience, and gives them happy memories even if their marriage doesn't work out. For people who never felt this, life can seem unjust and unfulfilling.
There are some people that don't really mind, or even prefer, having a spouse that they consider more of a friend. The people that generally don't mind not having ever been head over heels enamored with their spouse are sometimes people that don't feel much in the way of romantic passion in general. They may also be older people, or people who remember prioritizing romantic love at an early phase of life, but no longer feel that it is quite as important, or important at all.
For example, a woman may have been in love with her first husband, but when he passes away unexpectedly and she is left with three young kids to raise, she may transform into a person who is much more pragmatic. When she remarries in a few years, she may "settle" very happily for a man whom she respects and loves, but to whom she doesn't feel that same romantic passion. Before you feel too badly for her second husband, let me assure you that in my experience, a couple's sexual or even "romantic" behavior (e.g., dates) is not directly linked to whether the partners feel romantically connected to one another.
This hypothetical woman and her second husband may have a great sex life, even better than the sex life she had with her first husband, and lots of date nights. At this stage of her life, she may feel that she greatly desires a happy marriage, and also a good sex life and dinners out with her husband, but she may doubt that she will ever feel (or would ever want to feel) passionately romantically connected to another man.
If you are a person with a non-romantic, but still deeply caring marital relationship, you may not understand people who would throw away a perfectly good, stable marriage for a reason like lack of passion. But for many people, feeling that you've never had a deep romantic connection with a spouse is a source of constant distress and regret. Problems arise in two main situations:
(1) At least one of the partners has never experienced reciprocal passionate romantic love with anyone, and feels that they missed out on the possibility of experiencing it by "settling" for their spouse.
(2) At least one of the partners thought they were a non-romantic type of person when they married their "best friend" spouse, but later in the marriage, they fall in love with someone else outside the marriage.
In both of these situations, someone feels like they are losing their opportunity to be fully alive, and to fully experience the near-universal (or so they think) human experience of being in a passionate romantic relationship. (Some people also feel like this when there has never been sexual chemistry between themselves and their spouse; these are related situations but not completely the same.) This can lead to divorce, infidelity, or, in the case of people who are more risk-averse, feelings of depression, anger, and being trapped. Their anger may be directed at their spouse (for not being more passionate, romantic, or whatever else), or at themselves for "settling" instead of holding out for someone they felt more passionate about.
If you are not in love with your spouse, and this causes you anger, regret, or makes you want to cheat, then sometimes, therapy can help you. Individual therapy can help you figure out if you want to leave you partner, or why your feelings of resentment are bubbling over right now when you may have been content at an earlier time. Couples counseling can also help you and your spouse build a romantic connection. Often, this can occur when you and your spouse express curiosity about each other, and learn about different aspects of one another. (This is the idea behind my 52 emails book, which is for couples rekindling their connection as well as those who want to kindle from scratch.)
There are also other options, like ethical nonmonogamy, for couples who love one another but cannot meet one another's needs in certain specific ways, like romantically, but who still deeply care for each other and want to keep their family intact. Don't be afraid to think outside the box. We all only get one life and deserve to life it in the ways that make our partners and ourselves happiest.
Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Creativity And Communication Can Help Most Marital Problems.
Order Dr. Rodman Whiten's books, 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family, and listen to The Dr. Psych Mom Show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or anywhere else you listen to podcasts. If you need therapy, check out her online group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.
This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. If you try this advice and it does not work for you, you cannot sue me. This is only my opinion, based on my background, training, and experience as a therapist and person.
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Source: https://www.drpsychmom.com/2018/09/28/when-youve-never-been-in-love-with-your-spouse/
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